Never Quite Simple
by Pairadox Timeline
Summary: The Doctor's decision after the Time War makes a dramatic impact on his life and the lives of others. The mirror shows him nothing he wants to see, so he looks through other eyes.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: The sequel to Never Quite Normal, published under Jessa's user name.

**Disclaimer: We own Doctor Who. However, in this Universe, Brittany Spears is President. Not having it, so we're off. **

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**Chapter 1:**

"Oi, d'ya mind?" said Dr. Joshua Stewart to the small creature sitting on his chest. "Only, I'm on vacation."

Rose Tyler giggled. There wasn't a lot else she could do, really. She was standing in a side street off the Champs Elysees on a perfect day for two people in love. Even had her bloke with her, but it didn't look like this one was going to be anything like normal.

She and Joshua had been walking along the most famous Parisian street, enjoying each other's company and the beauty of the sights around them. They'd just stopped, to share a moment and maybe discuss what to do for a meal, and now Joshua was flat on his back in the rather nasty street (not much different from London, that) with something that resembled a cat on his chest.

It wasn't a cat, couldn't possibly be anything Rose had ever seen before, in fact. For one thing, it was a vivid apple red. For another, it was making an appalling screeching noise like the toddler who lived two flats down from her mum. Finally, while it was sitting a bit like a cat, it was kneading Joshua with tiny cloven hooves.

"What is it?" Rose asked, almost unable to believe what she was seeing.

Joshua laid a hand on the creature's head and rubbed its incredibly large ears. "It's a Nerfifflet, I think. A pet." The creature quieted with the soothing sound of his voice and the gentle petting he was giving it.

"What's it doing?" she wondered. What it was doing seemed to be trying to stick a very, very long tongue up Joshua's nose.

Joshua turned his head away from the questing little creature. "Hopefully, it's not trying to eat my brain."

"Your brain is a sewer, Joshua," Rose teased. "It would get sick."

"Oi," he protested, "just for that, I won't tell you what I order you at supper." Carefully, one hand securing the little animal, Joshua rose to his feet.

Trembling and, frankly, completely out of her depth, Rose stepped slowly toward her lover and the creature he carried. "It's… alien," she realized. Alien. Not from Earth., from the stars. _Alien._ Rose tilted her head and peered attentively at the little creature. "Where did it come from?"

She hadn't even seen it at first. Just, one minute she was listening to Joshua talk and the next she was haring down the street after a bright red blur, caught by the hand in Joshua's wake. He'd pushed her away just before he stepped in here, and by the time she'd reached his side, he was flat on his back.

"Nyra, if I'm right, an' it does not like you." He was frowning down at the little animal now, as it had erupted into a shrill, alarming cry the moment Rose stepped toward them.

"Obviously," Rose agreed, her hands over her ears, leaning over to peer at the ridiculously colored creature.

Joshua shook his head. "No, this is odd," he said. "S'makin' this particular noise, meant to warn others there's a predator nearby. That's what it's for, they're bred to give warnings 'bout these great big canines they've got on Nyra. Bloody awful things, nearly tall as me, an' that's not standin' on its hind legs, you understand."

"Great, well, could you tell it I wouldn't eat it if I had to, yeah? That racket's awful." She leaned closer.

"It's not sentient, Rose, it's just a pet. An' watch out for the…"

Rose was suddenly flat on her back, staring up at Joshua and the Nerf-cat, which was now trying to climb up onto his shoulder. "What happened?" she demanded, feeling quite a bit disgusting to be lying on the pavement in a grubby side street.

"Sorry," Joshua said. "Their tails stretch. It tripped you."

She shook her head, about to say something completely rude, if she could just figure out what, when she was interrupted by the sound of a soft voice clearing its throat. "Excuse me," the voice, decidedly masculine and vaguely familiar, said, "do you mind returning our pet?"

Joshua rounded on the voices, putting himself between the newcomers and Rose in very little more time than an eye blink. Rose took the opportunity to climb to her feet while her boyfriend dealt with the Nerf-cat's owners.

"D'ya mind tellin' me what you're doin' with a Nerfifflet on a Level-five planet?"

"We didn't mean for humans to see him," came another voice, female this time, but still slightly familiar.

Rose found her feet at last and peered incredulously at the two people standing in the mouth of the alleyway. It didn't make any sense at all, so she rubbed her eyes and looked again. Since nothing had changed, she decided it might be best just to let Joshua hide her until she could understand something about what was going on.

"We were just taking him for a walk," the man continued. "He's been cooped up in our ship; it's a dreadfully long flight, as you seem to know."

Joshua's body slowly relaxed. "What're you lot doing here, then? Jus' sight-seeing?"

"Well, yes," said the woman, and Rose thought she sounded apalled that anyone might think otherwise. "The place is famous throughout the galaxy." The woman sniffed and Rose thought she sounded astonishingly like Jackie when she continued with, "Though I can't think why. It is dreadfully primitive, isn't it?

"Oi," Rose protested.

Joshua stilled her with a hand reached back behind him and placed firmly on her arm. "Level-five planet, yeah?" he repeated. "What'd you expect? Spaceports and conversion towers on every street corner? You're gonna need ta give us a bit o' time."

"I think it's charming, if a bit quaint," said the man. "But if we can just have Mymmicky, we promise to get him back to the ship straight away."

Joshua seemed to consider. "Got practically the same name as Ricky," he observed to Rose. "Explains the shrieking, anyways."

"You're so not funny," she said sarcastically, even as she bit back what might very well be hysterical laughter.

"Please," said the woman. "We just want our pet."

Joshua tensed again. Rose, peering around him, saw the very strange couple start back a bit. She guessed Joshua was giving them the baleful stare. "It's all right," she said softly. "I'm sure they didn't mean anything. Jus' let 'em take the Nerf-cat an' go home, yeah?"

Joshua nodded once, then stepped forward and carefully handed the struggling creature into the woman's arms. "Don't let 'im go this time. Anyone else coulda hurt the poor little thing, all right?"

Both nodded and backed quickly away, never turning their faces away from him until they were back out on the main strip. Rose followed them until she reached Joshua's side. There was a whole group of people on the sidewalk, which the two with the cat joined. They all looked alike – completely alike.

"Back to the ship," said the woman holding the Nerf-cat. "Quickly before someone sees."

"Thank you," said the man, waving at Joshua and Rose as his group hurried off down the street.

"They all look like Humphrey Bogart and Ingrid Bergman," Rose said incredulously. "Every last one of them."

"We'll always have Paris?" Joshua quoted questioningly.

Rose giggled again and found she couldn't stop. "An entire crowd of aliens looking like Humphrey Bogart and Ingrid Bergman," she exclaimed through her laughter.

Joshua put both hands on her shoulders and shook her gently, then watched her intently until she finally managed to get herself under control. "It's all right, Rose," he said insistently. "It's just a disguise."

"But won't someone notice?" she wondered. "You did. I did," she added, because he was supposed to notice these things.

"If you didn't know aliens existed, what would you think?"

Rose frowned. "Casablanca convention," she decided. "Or something like a look-alike contest."

"Exactly. Humans can rationalize anything, you'd be amazed."

Rose stared up at him incredulously. "I just met my first aliens!" she exclaimed, unable to decide if she was excited or just completely lost.

Joshua grinned and tugged her into a tight hug. "You did fine," he said into her hair.

Rose clung to him until the confusion went away, until the worry that she was wrong and the trembling both stopped. "I think we'd better both go change," she decided. "We smell like we been lyin' in an alley."

"Well, we have. Just not in a good way." He smirked at her. "We could do something about that."

Rose gave him her best we-are-not-amused look and a small shove towards the mouth of the alley. "Change. Then dinner. And then you're still not getting it in this alley."

"So, other alleys are still up for debate?" he murmured wickedly.

"Out, you," was the only response he got, Rose pushing back to the main street.

Joshua laughed, grabbed her hand, and pulled her to her rightful place by his side. They walked back out into the ordinary world together, smiling.

A block and a half down the street, he started laughing again. "What's so funny?" Rose demanded.

"Nerf-cat," he said finally and kissed the top of her head. "Rose Tyler, I dunno what I'm gonna do with you. Nerf-cat."

* * *

"I believe you said something about the shower, Rose?" Joshua said hopefully.

Rose laughed. "I believe you have one a one track mind, Joshua," she answered playfully.

Joshua glanced out the window, thinking quickly for an answer to that. His eye caught on the Eiffel Tower in the distance. Once the tallest man-made structure in the world, and considered a complete eyesore, it was now one of the most well known tourist destinations, a veritable symbol of the city that had once reviled it. Several things about it tugged at him at once and he winced.

"Joshua?" Rose put a hand on his shoulder, snapping his attention back from his dark thoughts.

Joshua forced a grin and turned to her, keeping his voice playful through will power alone. "I have over a thousand tracks in my mind, Rose Tyler, but every last one of 'em orbits around you."

Rose smiled hesitantly - she obviously suspected something - but she didn't push. "Come on then," she said, and gave him his favorite smile.

She was much more interesting than the Eiffel Tower, anyway.

* * *

Joshua's French was flawless, if the look on the waiter's face was anything to go by. "Nah, he just can't get over my accent," Joshua said cheerfully when she asked about it.

Rose nodded and watched him carefully while he people watched. He was distracted from conversation by studying the various comings and goings of the patrons of this rather simple cafe he'd chosen. She gathered that he'd been here before, though he was a little vague on the details.

Something was bothering Joshua, and Rose knew it, even though she had no idea what it might be. From the puzzled expression she saw from time to time, though, she wondered if he knew what it was, either.

A man at a nearby table was drawing a picture of him. Rose noticed this and grinned, keeping it to herself. She just indulged herself in the rare opportunity to admire her lover's profile while he admired France around them. He hadn't shaved this morning, she realized, and the dark shadow along his jaw was just begging to be nuzzled.

Rose shook herself. She was going to turn into a complete sex addict at this rate. Joshua caught her movement, turned to her with bright eyes twinkling mischief, as if he could read her mind.

This seemed to annoy the artist mightily, because the older man stood, caught Joshua's eye, and very deliberately balled up the sketch. He tossed it to the floor, complete disgust on his face, as he stormed out of the cafe.

The waiter who had just returned with their order sighed and gabbled something in French at the pair of them. Joshua nodded while Rose leaned over and picked up the sketch. The waiter went to take it from her, looking apologetic, but Rose held onto it. "Can you tell him I want to look?" she asked.

Joshua relayed this to the waiter, and also something that made the young man chuckle while he set down glasses of dark red wine.

"What'd he say?" Rose wondered.

"Just not to mind that bloke, he's apparently been doing this for years, and sees things, so the drawings never make sense."

Rose opened out the paper in her hand and looked at it, puzzled. It was obviously a sketch of Joshua but just... wrong. His expression was utterly blank, dull and dead, and the eyes... tiny clocks had been set into his face in the place of irises. "Nutter," Rose pronounced and went to crumple up the page again.

Joshua took it from her and paled the instant he saw it. He stared, wild-eyed and absently horrified. Rose thought it absently because he didn't seem to her to be looking at the picture in his hand so much as at a memory. Sharply, he shook himself and reached across the table to take her hand. "Nutter," he agreed and crumpled the drawing into a tiny ball.

Even though she clung to him tightly, Rose pretended not to notice that Joshua's hands were trembling.

* * *

The Louvre was open late on Fridays, so they decided to tour it for the afternoon, at least catch a few of the better known works, such as the Venus de Milo, the works of Rodin, and of course, the Mona Lisa.

"He used entirely the wrong shade of green," Joshua said, joking really, as they walked up to perhaps the most famous painting in the world. "_La Joconde. Elle est l'epitome du mystique feminin._"

Rose glanced at him blankly and he smiled, shaking his head. "The very model of the mystery of your gender, my love," he said. "Her eyes seem to follow you, and her smile has been considered an enigma of the ages."

"She's... quite beautiful," Rose said softly. "I don't think I got to see her this close."

"I've always been a bit amused by her mystique. To Leonardo, she was just another commission. She was stolen once and no one even noticed at first. They thought she'd been sent to the photographers. Since the theft, however, she's become quite difficult to appropriate. She's a grand lady, La Gioconda, a creature of myth and legend, over five centuries old and forever young." As these last words left his lips, he looked at the ancient painting.

Blue magic marker on five of six poplar planks, a note, scribbled backward because the dyslexic artist liked to read that way. Blue, always blue... and blonde. Golden blonde...

Joshua felt dizzy and for a long, horrible moment, the whole world seemed to skip a beat, just like it had back... back... ?

"Right," he murmured, tugging at Rose's hand. "I just don't..."

She looked up at him, and her eyes went wide. "Let's get you out into fresh air," she said determinedly, and drew him away from the painting, away from the gallery, away from the Museum altogether.

Joshua didn't even notice. Something was clamoring for attention in his mind's eye, something he'd put off earlier, something painful and difficult. He let himself be led, quailing inside like a lost child. He didn't want this, no please, not like this. Memory all golden and screaming inside him... it was too hideous to contemplate, not now, not ever. "Rose," he croaked, trying to pull away from the small woman who had his arm wrapped around her shoulder, her arm wrapped around his waist.

"I've got you, Joshua," she said. "Not gonna let you go. You just need to rest, that's all."

He frowned. "I'm not tired," he complained.

"No, but something's wrong. Headache?"

He considered. "Yeah, why not? Headache it is." He nodded decisively, continued with as much enthusiasm as he could muster. "Just need a nap, an' I'll be good as new. Too much running after aliens, that's all, tired me out. Gettin' old."

Rose shook her head, leaned in to his side, and ran a soothing hand up his arm. "You're not old, love," she promised gently. "Just... startled."

"Right. Startled. Thanks."

* * *

Rose watched Joshua sleep. He really was tired, apparently, which surprised her. He hardly ever rested, especially not when he was as excited by something as he'd been by the whole idea of their trip to Paris. They'd not even had the chocolate mousse, yet, but it didn't seem like that was going to happen immediately, either.

She'd been frightened, really, by how pale and shaky he'd suddenly gotten in the middle of the Louvre. His blue eyes had gone so dull and distant and even when she started leading him away, it didn't seem like he was anywhere - or when - near where she was. He'd been sweating like he had when he endured detox and when she'd let him lean on her, she'd also checked his pulse to find his hearts racing.

Like they were doing now. He'd pulled her down onto the bed with him, holding her like a frightened child's teddy bear, and she hadn't minded, until just now. Something had woken her; she just couldn't put her fingers on what it was.

Nothing seemed to be going on, so she decided to just pop into the loo. When she came back, she wished she'd never left his side.

On the bed, Joshua was curled into a fetal position, his hands out of her reach. He made a low moan that sounded quite a lot like agony. She flinched and looked at his face, noting it contorted with pain. Tears started then, and Rose knew how much he hated her to see him cry, so she tried to shake him.

He curled even tighter and whimpered. "No..." he moaned, fear and a sort of helpless rage utterly apparent in his voice. His eyes squeezed tighter. Rose climbed onto the bed. "No!" Joshua shouted. "You can't, please, no!!"

He was saying something now, in a language she didn't even understand. Rose reached out for him, touched his brow, smelled fire. Joshua sat bolt upright, his flooded eyes flying open, as he gave a horrible, strangled cry. "No!!! ROMANA!!!!"


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: We own Doctor Who. However, in this Universe, every time your computer breaks, you have to throw it out and get a new one. And they break every time you throw them. We've already had enough computer problems in our own Universe, thanks, so we're off to find a Universe with magic computers that never break.

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**Never Quite Simple**

_Chapter 2:_

Joshua buried his face in his hands and shook, hard. Rose, who didn't know for sure what else to do, just wrapped herself around him from behind, her head resting between his shoulder blades, and tried to offer him whatever comfort she could.

"I'm sorry," he kept whispering. "I'm so sorry. Romana... I'm sorry."

He remembered. Rose had seen him wake from his nightmares before, knew he usually had no idea what had happened to him in the horrific dream-world that his mind made to torment him. Tonight, however, he knew, and Rose was afraid she wouldn't be able to help him.

She felt completely lost when he detached himself from her suddenly, bolted to his feet, and started to restlessly pace up and down the length of the hotel room. An agitated sort of anger was written all over his face. "What're you thinkin'?" he demanded abruptly.

Rose started. He hadn't spoken to her like that in months. In her astonishment, she couldn't answer him, and he made a noise of disgust and started muttering under his breath. She stood up and waited in the line of his pacing where he would have no choice but to deal with her. Arms wrapped around herself defensively, she felt very stupid and very, very young, but she wasn't going to let him know any of that. "Joshua," she said, when he moved to walk around her anyway. "You don't have to say anything, but please let me help."

"There's nothin' to help with," he grated out. "Nothin' at all."

"I... I don't understand."

Joshua snorted and shot her a grim, angry look. "Ya wouldn't," he snapped.

"You're right," Rose agreed. Sinking into a chair, defeated, she stared out the window at the Eiffel Tower. "I love you," she whispered. "I don't have to understand to want to help you."

Looking even more weary and defeated than Rose felt, Joshua sank into the chair across from her. "I want a drink," he muttered.

"I know," Rose agreed. She wasn't about to tell him he couldn't have one - that would almost certainly guarantee he'd go out and drink Paris under the table. That was one thing she knew for sure about her Joshua. He was almost always able to handle a challenge.

"S'not worth it," he added. "C'mon."

Rose nodded and stood up. "Where are we going?"

"Back to London," he said. "I..." He stopped, looked in revulsion out at the Eiffel Tower. Then, he looked at her, doubt and shadows making him look every minute of his age and then some.

"No, that's fine," Rose said calmly. "Give me time ta get some things done before work on Monday, anyway."

She immediately set about gathering their things, not so sure this was a good idea but unwilling to force him to endure one more minute of this city if it was causing him such terrible pain. While she worked, Joshua might have been watching her or he might have been glowering out at the city. Rose didn't know. She didn't dare look at him.

She'd been looking forward to this. Not because they didn't spend enough time together - they did, but there were always distractions and responsibilities, and there was the slight awkwardness because she'd only been living with Joshua for a week now.

She wanted to spend time with him, alone with just them, without the phones and her friends showing up and her mum asking loaded questions. She loved her friends and her mother, but sometimes it was difficult to choose who needed her more at any given minute.

The hotel room door slammed closed with a heavy thud. Rose startled, gaping at it in astonishment. She ran to the door, intent to tear after Joshua, but there was a note taped to it just at her eye level.

"Get some sleep," the nearly illegible scrawl read. "I'll be back."

Right, like she could possibly sleep like this.

Rose sank down into the chair next to the window, the note in her hand, and wondered what to do. She couldn't find him if he didn't want to be found, that much was certain, not here. She didn't speak one fucking word of French and speaking English would only get her in the locals' bad graces.

Was this what would happen, then? Every time she wasn't enough to keep the nightmares away, would he run? And if he ran, why couldn't she run with him?

Determinedly dry-eyed, Rose curled up into a ball on the chair and waited.

* * *

Brigadier Alistair Gordon Lethbridge-Stewart was pulled out of a sound sleep by a ringing phone. He had no idea why, but the end of the world couldn't get through to him if he was asleep. Only three sounds had any chance - the TARDIS because she was louder than just about anything on Earth, his wife's voice saying his name for a lot of very good reasons, and the ringing phone because he was a soldier and he was always ready to take the call.

He answered on the second ring, taking the phone out into the hallway so as not to disturb Doris. The voice on the other end of the line was harsh and Northern and utterly devastated. "How many?"

"Joshua?" Lethbridge-Stewart was incredulous to hear from his nephew at this time of night, and in this state of mind. "What's happened, son?" He'd hoped that nights like this were over.

"How many friends am I gonna suddenly remember I got killed? D'you know?"

The Brigadier stared at the phone, wondering if this might be his own waking nightmare. "Joshua, what's happened to you?"

"Jus' answer the question, Uncle Alistair. I just remembered... I can't even remember her face, you know that? But now I know I killed her. Who else?"

The Brigadier took a deep breath. "This isn't the sort of thing for a phone call, Joshua. Where are you?"

There was a pause and then the sound of a clearing throat. Please don't let him be drinking again, Alistair thought. It would devastate Doris and Rose and he didn't think it would do much for him or Harry or even John, either. "In Paris," Joshua said at last. "I forgot. We came here... her and me. Some mess with the Mona Lisa and..." The voice changed from frustrated to angry. "And I can't remember!!"

"Do you want me to come to you?" the Brigadier offered hesitantly. "I can be there in the morning, if you like."

There was a chuff of exasperation. "No, I... I just want it ta stop." Joshua let out an explosive breath. "Why'm I still alive?"

"I don't know, son," the Brigadier admitted grimly. "Why are any of us? We just have to keep trying to do the right thing, to be better than we were last time."

Joshua's voice broke. "What's the right thing, then? 'Cuz I can't see it from here."

The Brigadier shook his head and shoved open the door to Joshua's room. "I don't believe that, son. I really don't. If anyone, ever, knew what the right thing was, I think it's you. I've always been able to count on that about you - that'll you'll try to your last to save what can be saved." He remembered how many times the Doctor still wouldn't give up, even when things seemed utterly hopeless for everyone. "And then continue trying, just in case." He sighed when there was no response. "Where's Rose?"

"Left her in the hotel. She's gonna kill me when I get back."

"I doubt it," Lethbridge-Stewart said. "Women really do put up with a lot of difficult things for the men they love, you know."

"She's already been through so much." Joshua's voice suddenly changed tones, going from dead and dry to humorous. "Met some aliens today. Didn't run screaming. Looked like she was thinkin' about it for a minute there, though."

The Brigadier had gone still at the mention of aliens and now he was worried. "Joshua, what sort of aliens, and why wasn't I called?"

"They were just tourists - you get that all the time, ya know. Wouldn'ta even noticed 'em meself, except their pet ran off without them. Cute little thing. Rose called it a Nerf-cat. Might wanna note that for the record - Nerfifflets don't like ordinary humans with no alien contact. It wanted nothin' whatever ta do with Rose." Joshua chuckled then, and the Brigadier knew he was probably going to be all right after all. "Couldn't tell who was scareder for a minute there."

The Brigadier stifled a sigh of relief. "Right. I'll have it noted. Why don't you come by here when you get home, Joshua, and we can talk about all this if you want."

There was a nervous shuffling sound, and then Joshua said, "I need ta come by there anyway. Somethin' I wanna talk to you about - a way ta keep me outta trouble."

The Brigadier felt a smile twitching at the corners of his mouth. "Well, you know I'm all for that," he said. "Will it be Monday?"

"Tomorrow, I think," he said. "I can't stand this place. Wanna take Rose ta see Notre Dame 'cuz she's never been, but then I think we're comin' back. That be ok?"

"You're always welcome, and Doris loves having you both, you know that. Feel free." The Brigadier smiled and looked around the room to be sure it was set up to have the couple for the night.

"Right. If we leave here before lunchtime, we can be there for a late supper - 'less Rose wants me ta take her back to her mum's an' leave her the hell alone, which I can't say I'd blame her."

"You need to have more faith in the girl, Joshua," the Brigadier said sternly. "And you probably need to sincerely apologize."

"Yeah," he said, sounding quite ashamed. Joshua cleared his throat. "Thanks, Uncle. Sorry I dragged you outta bed."

The Brigadier chuckled. "You can make it up to me, Sunday. Doris has some trees she wants put in in the back garden."

There was a decidedly humorous chuffing noise, and then Joshua said, "Manual labor's good for me, still? Good ta know. I'll see you tomorrow."

He rang off and the Brigadier shook his head, walking slowly back to the bedroom where his warm bed and his lovely wife awaited him. If there was anyone in the Universe he would never wish to be for even a minute, it was the Doctor. No matter who the Time Lord thought he was.

* * *

Joshua cautiously opened the door to their room a few inches and paused, braced for impact from some projectile launched by an enraged Rose Tyler. Nothing came.

Pushing it open all the way, Joshua stood in the doorway and scanned the room. Rose wasn't in bed as he'd hoped; nor was she screaming at him as he'd feared. Then again, his Rose was a firecracker, Joshua thought with affection, maybe screaming was best.

He saw her curled up in the armchair facing the door. Light streaming in from the hallway illuminated twin trails down her cheeks. She was staring at him as though he were a skittish horse, and she was terrified of sending him running, but desperate to touch him, embrace him.

"Thank you for coming back." Rose said in a subdued voice. Dammit, was this what he intended to reduce her to every time he got scared? He stepped fully into the room and kicked the door shut behind him. A soft click and the lamp next to him flared into life. Rose blinked against the sudden brightness.

"I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have left you," he said hoarsely. Rose didn't bother to say anything to that. They both knew it was true. She would only sound bitter if she agreed, and fake if she didn't.

"Are you feeling better?" she asked instead.

Joshua sighed. "Not really. I called uncle Alistair." Rose nodded with a small wince. It occurred to Joshua that it must be very hard for Rose to not be able to help him, to not be allowed to even try. He crossed the room so he was standing next to where she sat. "I've never remembered one before," Joshua said needlessly. She already knew this He was stalling. "I thought he could tell me who she was, or how many others have been killed because I wasn't good enough." Both of his hearts were pounding, trying their level best to crack at least one rib. Joshua was terrified of what Rose would say.

She didn't say anything, just slipped her hand into his. A brief tug later, and she was standing in the tight circle of his arms.

"Oh, Rose. I'm so sorry," he almost sobbed. "I was scared, so scared. And I can't even remember her face." Rose's arms tightened around him.

"It's okay to run, Joshua. Sometimes you have to do. You can't fight everything. But when you do run, take me with you. I promise to do everything I can not to slow you down. Let me be there when you stop."

Joshua seized her lips in a desperate, lonely kiss. Rose was right. He could shut out the world, but he'd never be able to shut out this woman, this perfect being. It was unfair to both of them to even try.

"I promise," he whispered raggedly when he let her pull away for air.

* * *

Doris was surprised to have her guests arriving early, and even more surprised to find them casually sniping at each other. There wasn't anything overtly rude about their behavior, nothing completely obvious to indicate that they were having a serious problem, but they weren't holding hands like they usually did. When Rose dragged her bag out of the car and insisted on carrying it herself over Joshua's rather annoyed protest, Doris was absolutely certain something was wrong.

She decided to stay out of it. Reluctantly. Mostly stayed out of it. She did listen at the stairs.

"I'm fine," Rose was saying brightly. "I'm not fragile, I can carry a bag, thanks."

Rose came down the stairs a few minutes later with an extremely brittle looking knock-off of her sunny smile. "Can I help with anything?" she asked. The look in her eyes was pleading and, again reluctantly, Doris gave in. She set the girl to working on the salad for lunch and went looking for her nephew.

He was standing in Alistair's study, looking every bit as confused as if he was an alien who'd never seen it before (as opposed to an alien who saw it all the time). "He's gone into London for something, but he promised he'd be back for lunch. Are you all right?"

Joshua's smile was wistful, and Doris didn't bother restraining the urge to give him a comforting hug. When he pulled away, the grin was back full force, even if it did look a bit strained around the edges. "It's your birthday, next week, isn't it?" he asked.

Doris chuckled. "It is," she agreed. "I didn't expect you to remember, though."

"Remember everything, me, thanks," he said flippantly. "Can't even imagine what Uncle Alistair's up to, then." He winked one bright eye and Doris shook her head. "I'll just find somethin' to keep me busy 'til he gets back, then."

"You can come in the kitchen, you know. We don't bite."

Joshua shrugged. "Gimme a mo'," he said, and strode back for the staircase.

"What happened to Notre Dame?" Doris asked Rose as she slipped back into the kitchen.

Rose shrugged. "It was... he was... we needed to leave." She sighed. "He was uncomfortable. I can see the place any time."

Doris smiled. "You take good care of him," she said gently.

Rose looked up from where she was slicing up a fresh tomato and shook her head. "I... well, I try, yeah?" She forced another wobbly smile and turned back to her work and Doris went over to help her.

When Joshua finally did stick his head back into the kitchen, they were washing their hands, having just assembled the salad and put everything away. "D'ya know what I did with my notebook?" he asked.

Rose frowned and Doris watched as she made a couple gestures, then shrugged. "I can't remember," she apologized. "But your sketchpad and some pencils are in the bottom of my bag. Does that help?"

He grinned. "Loads," he replied. "How'd you think ta pack those, then?"

Rose shrugged. Joshua crossed the kitchen in three long strides and hugged her quickly. "Thanks, love," he said and turned and bounded from the room.

You could have lit up central London all night with the return of Rose's smile.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: We own Doctor Who, in this Universe where today is Joshua's birthday and we therefore decided to update in order to celebrate that fact. However, it is raining, wet, and cold here three hundred and sixty-six days a year and OV, who is from Texas, won't stand for it. Jessa's not too sanguine about it either, as she doesn't know what you'd do with that many pine forests.

* * *

**Chapter 3**

Rose watched Joshua silently from the doorway of his Uncle's study. She wasn't prying, she told herself, wasn't trying to invade his thinking. She had just passed by as she meandered over the elegant house, familiarizing herself with it more intently. Doris had encouraged her wanderings, saying rather apologetically that she had to return a few phone calls, as she'd already put them off too long.

On more than one of her stops, she found Joshua letting his gaze wander over the back garden. More than once, he had been glaring quite longingly at his Uncle's liquor cabinet. Mostly, however, he had been staring at a blank page in his sketch book as if it was deliberately keeping something from him.

Rose didn't know why, but she was almost afraid to intrude on his thoughts. She truly hated it when she couldn't suss her own motives for things, but there was so much going on in her head right now, everything from childish fear to the conviction of inadequacy, from utter boredom to a hundred questions about apple-red alien pets and their owners.

She was going to need time to just stand very still and process it all. But now felt too soon for that, or at least the wrong time altogether. She couldn't help or escape the feeling that she should be doing something.

Anything, really, other than staring at a man who seemed to be staring at the world around him, but was really searching the shadows of his mind for a memory he didn't actually want. It had all seemed so simple when this weekend started, but now it had gotten all difficult again, and Rose could hardly bear it, never mind think on it.

Determinedly, she shoved her worry and confusion away. She would be there and act like her normal self, convince everyone that everything was fine, just as soon as Joshua needed her to do that. In the mean time, she needed a distraction.

She wandered away again, down the long, picture decorated hallway, until she came to the music room. She smiled as memories of the last time she and Joshua had been here went rolling over her.

He'd truly opened up to her about his past for the first time in this room. He'd played for her, too, his long fingers dancing with elegance over the pale keys of the mahogany upright against the wall. He had also, on another occasion, promised to teach her to write music, as soon as he had the time.

Smiling to herself, Rose went meandering through the shelves of sheet music. Here was something she could do to distract herself, a way to keep herself busy and improve herself while she was at it. She had learnt very basic sight reading in school and still remembered most of what she had been taught. If she could just concentrate on that, she might be able to teach herself more, and really have something good to show Joshua when he came out of his mood.

* * *

Two hours later found her sitting on the piano bench, close to tears. She had found middle C just fine, in the music and on the piano, but she still just couldn't get the rest of it. Rose had no idea what she was doing wrong, but nothing seemed to be making sense.

"I'll never get this," she announced, her face in her hands to try to stop the tears from starting.

"You won't if you believe that, no," replied his familiar, beloved voice from the doorway.

Rose almost smiled. It looked like the situation was starting to improve already. "Joshua," she murmured, already about a hundred times lighter just from the calm, almost normal sound of his voice.

"Tryin' to get a head start?" he asked. His tone was almost cheerful.

Rose realized abruptly that Joshua was going to act as if nothing had happened. Under the circumstances, she thought she'd rather like to do that, too. So she looked up from the keyboard and forced an exaggeration of an annoyed expression onto her face. "Tryin' to even remember what I'm already supposed to know."

Joshua nodded thoughtfully. "So they taught you ta sight-read some, but not exactly how to translate that the other way, right?"

"Right," Rose agreed. She moved over and made room for her lover on the bench she'd been sitting on between bouts of getting up and walking around in frustration. "I'm doing this wrong, aren't I?"

"There's not a wrong way ta learn somethin' like this," Joshua replied with a smile. "S'not like it's a hot stove an' ya can learn the hard way not ta touch it. But some ways're easier."

He folded his lanky frame up onto the other half of the bench, looked down at the piano, and started the lesson.

* * *

They'd spent the afternoon in the music room, and time had seemed to pass like a proverb, flying because they had both genuinely enjoyed it. It had started as a lesson, and then Joshua had ended up playing for Rose for awhile, listening to her sing, and just enjoying her company while it lasted.

He couldn't actually imagine what she was still doing here, but she was here. It might be selfish, but he wasn't about to argue when she was still giving him far more than he deserved.

Right now, she was distracting Uncle Alistair from asking questions about France by getting him to tell her the story of the time he'd ended up nearly taken off planet by some alien tourists who turned out to be museum curators. Joshua had missed this one, and couldn't help laughing at the idea of his Uncle trying to talk a gang of Tryderians out of making him the star exhibit in one of their "living history" museums.

"Thankfully, I'd picked up a negotiating trick or two from this one and buried them in red-tape," the Brigadier concluded.

"Oh no," Joshua chuckled, "you're never pinnin' that on me. I refuse ta do paperwork."

"No, but you have been known to confuse bureaucrats to the very blazes in your time, Joshua," the Brigadier asserted happily. "I borrowed a leaf out of your book, and followed it up with their having to secure permission from my wife."

"Which I would have cheerfully given," Aunt Doris teased. Uncle Alistair shot her a wounded look and she smiled her agelessly beautiful smile at him. "Well, if and only if they had you home every day by tea time."

They all laughed at this, if for no other reason than the gooey smile the Brigadier gave his wife. Joshua wondered if he looked that silly when Rose said or did something particularly fetching and then decided he probably did, only more so. She squeezed his hand over the table top, giving him that smile she seemed to reserve just for him and he decided it didn't matter how ridiculous he looked as long as he kept getting that smile.

"Seems you're quite the teacher, Joshua," Aunt Doris mentioned.

Joshua knew a perfect opening when he heard one. He wondered if Rose had put his aunt up to it, but it didn't seem like she had, from the excited smile she now shot him. He nodded very faintly and she grinned back. "Well, I'd like to be," he began, letting his voice take on a more serious tone. "I've been thinking."

"The last time you were thinking, you blew up a hospital," his uncle pointed out, but not with any malice. Rather, there was a sparkling warmth in his eyes. He nodded. "Go on, son."

"Well, it's what you did when you retired the first time, isn't it?" The Brigadier looked a bit uncomfortable, this time, and Joshua abruptly remembered that his uncle had ended up having a bit of a break-down around that time, one that had resulted in a period of very frightening memory loss, among other things. "Well, I mean teaching," he emphasized.

"I did," the Brigadier agreed. "But schools were a bit different then. It was a boy's military school, and I was a military officer who happened to be very good at maths."

"Beats my maths teacher any day," Rose commented. "He couldn't work a pocket calculator."

The Brigadier smiled kindly at her. "This was before your time, I think. Maybe when you were very young. But, Joshua, I don't know how you'd get the credentials. I know your doctorates are yours and legitimate, but there's a lot of your record, even your academic record, that's sealed Top Secret."

Joshua nodded. "I know. I was... sorta hopin' you could help with that, actually." He shrugged. "It's just... I thought they could do with somethin' more at one of these poorer London schools. Too many students, not enough teachers, even the good ones get too bogged down to help some times, or they can find one, but can't find all the kids the system's passed over. I'd just like ta have a chance to see if I can't help someone. Teach 'em to think with their own minds, an' teach 'em that bein' clever'll get 'em a lot further in life than..."

"Than listening to what every one else tells them they're s'posed to do," Rose finished for him, squeezing his hand. He saw pain in her eyes, and abruptly realized why she was supporting this so much. She saw herself in these kids, thinking from a young age that she was doomed to grow up and become her mother because there was absolutely nothing else out there for a girl like her.

The Brigadier considered the two of them. "All right, Joshua. If you promise me - and I mean it this time - if you see _anything_ that's probably UNIT's jurisdiction, you let me know before you have to blow up a building."

Joshua nodded gratefully. "I will, Uncle Alistair, I promise."

His Uncle reached over the table and shook his hand. "Then I'll do whatever I can to see to it that you're a legitimate teacher before term starts."

* * *

Doris leaned against Alistair's side, watching the happy couple arguing playfully over how to plant a tree. Rose didn't actually know the first thing about gardens, as she'd confessed to Doris over a bowl of cornflakes this morning, but she wasn't willing to let Joshua think he knew everything no matter what. She'd gone out to join him after waking quite late that morning. Doris suspected that Joshua was only up so early because he didn't sleep.

"Who was Romana?" she asked Alistair quietly.

"One of the Time Lords," Alistair confessed. "I've no idea what to tell him about her. I can only assume she died in the War. The Doctor said he was the only one left."

"Is he remembering, do you think?"

Alistair paused thoughtfully, sipping at a glass of lemonade and frowning. "I don't know. I wouldn't think so, because the Doctor said he didn't want to remember. Usually, he makes certain of that sort of thing when it's in his power to do so." Alistair sat his glass down on the table and turned to look directly into Doris's eyes. "But I can't know if he meant to keep everything out. Harry's suggested before that the memories resurface when he's capable of handling them again."

"Yet it upsets him so much it seems unlikely that he's capable of handling it," Doris suggested. She smiled in vague humor as Joshua picked Rose up and spun her around, putting her down only when she shouted laughingly that she surrendered.

"Exactly," Alistair admitted. "And as much as it pains me to admit it, I have no way of knowing whether Harry's right or not. The Doctor only told me so much about what he was doing, at least only so much that I understood."

"They both seem to be doing better now," Doris said, amused, as Rose stuffed a handful of newly turned earth down the back of Joshua's jumper.

"And I'm starting to worry about that as well," Alistair admitted, tilting his head toward the laughing couple. "He told us to keep it a secret. But he never anticipated something like this, I'm sure."

"All the same, he's had opportunities to ask you to do something about this," Doris said. "I'm not saying I like lying to Rose - and sometimes I feel as if that's what I'm doing, even when I go out of my way not to do - but I do want to respect the Doctor's wishes."

"Yes, but he's a complete idiot where human emotions are concerned," Alistair complained gloomily.

"True," said Doris. "But I expect the Time Lord version is even more terrified of how he feels for her than the human version."

"Well, I suppose so," Alastair agreed, pondering this while his finger ran idly over the condensation on the outside of his glass. "The human version at least believes he has something to offer her. The Time Lord has always preferred to avoid entanglements for precisely that reason."

"I don't know," Doris said. "Joshua confided in me that he can't escape the feeling that whatever happens, he'll lose her. At the time, I wrote it off as the nervousness of a man newly in love. Now, especially with other things we've seen, I can't help wondering if some of the Doctor isn't... I don't know... bleeding through."

"Whatever happens," her husband said ruefully, "that child out there playing in the dirt is also a centuries old alien with an unhealthy habit of finding trouble where ever he goes."

Joshua was currently tickling Rose while she shrieked and giggled and threatened him with hiding his popcorn, which for some reason appeared to be a serious threat. Doris shook her head. "I know. But we must give him time. Perhaps he will give you clues as to what is really going on in his head."

"I'm not sure he knows," Alistair claimed, then finished his lemonade. "I can't believe I'm worried about this. Not just for her sake, but for his. The very few clues he has given me seem to indicate that Joshua's emotions are shared by the Doctor, at least where the girl is concerned. But if that's true, he could easily have his hearts broken over her."

"And he's had more than enough." Doris shook her head. "I don't know. Rose already knew he wasn't normal. Give them time. I think they're both going to surprise us."

"I love surprises." Alistair's sarcasm was blunt and dry enough for a desert.

Doris snickered. "Hope Harry and John do, too," she said cheerfully. "Since Joshua's forbidden you to tell them, I think Rose has something in mind."

Alistair just shook his head and Doris laughed at him. "All right," she said, softly, "since you detest surprises so much, I won't surprise you by suggesting we go upstairs."

He blinked. "I've changed my mind," he decided. "Surprises all around, please."

* * *

"Your aunt and uncle have disappeared," Rose observed as they finally finished planting the last of the fruit trees.

Joshua looked around and realized they'd left empty glasses and half a pitcher of now-quite-watery lemonade sitting on a small table on the patio. His eyes widened. "Yeah. Don't want to think about that," he said.

Rose giggled. "You poor innocent thing," she teased. There was a soft suggestive purr in her tone.

Joshua bit the inside of his cheek and shook his head. "We should get cleaned up," he said, trying for a business-like tone and managing it, he thought, quite well.

"We could go together," Rose murmured.

"Um." Joshua shook his head. "Nah, you know, no time. Need to get cleaned up an' get our things together. Have ta head back to London after lunch, ya know."

Rose frowned, but then nodded. "Right. I guess if we get home early enough, I can get the laundry done and stuff."

"You don't have ta do that," he answered gently.

"No, I know," Rose said. "Just... we've got a busy week ahead. And, I was wondering, how're you gonna break the news to John and Harry that you're going back into the working world?"

Joshua just shrugged. Rose smirked, and Joshua knew that whatever she came up with, it was definitely going to be mischief for him.


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: We own Doctor Who. However, in this Universe, OV's birthday is traditionally celebrated by performances of that "My Life Would Suck Without You" song over every form and method of media. She refuses to endure it, and Jessa won't stay some place that doesn't know how to celebrate OV properly (_Alcohol_, people! You _toast _with it!!), so we're gone.

Happy Birthday OV!

* * *

**Chapter 4:**

Rose was understandably surprised to learn that so unsociable a creature as Joshua still had a table that could be extended to fit practically any number of people. Leaves could be added to transform it from the perfectly concentric circle the couple usually used to a long oval. Long enough, she thought, that if they moved it to the living room, they could have Christmas dinner with the whole gang here, were they so inclined. She didn't expect this to happen, but the fact that it was possible gave her a slight insight into Joshua's desire to please, however far he had tamped it down.

With the addition of one leaf, the table became the perfect size to fit four people comfortably, and she couldn't help but think a dinner party was in order. After all, he still had to tell Harry and John that he was going back into the work force, and things had been a bit tense between them since Paris. She thought the inclusion of his oldest friends might loosen him up a bit, let her back in all the way.

Joshua couldn't think of a reason to refuse to have a dinner party other than he hated the phrase "dinner party". At that point, Rose cheekily renamed it the "Let's-see-if-Harry-and-John-have-a-joint-heart-attack-at-the-thought-of-you-as-a-teacher party." Joshua pouted for ten minutes, before Rose nudged him with a grin.

"Your face will freeze that way, and imagine what the kids will call you," she teased. She wanted to kiss the pout from his lips, but something told her not to. He'd made a point of being affectionate and loving since running away that night, but somehow he managed to still be distant. So, she did what she could. She stayed close to him and waited for this new wall to reveal its hidden door.

Rose made the calls and set the table and Joshua handled all the cooking more intensive than boiling water. A few times, he snagged her arm as she passed and pulled her close to show her the right way to slice an onion, or whisper what herbs were known for going together, or even to feed her a spoonful of sauce. Each time, Rose would lean into him, craving this intimacy, and each time, Joshua would realize how close they were and send her along with a grin that only hurt if you'd seen the gentle smile he usually reserved for her.

Dinner was going swimmingly, John keeping them entertained throughout the meal with a story Rose silently called, "Adventures in Working in Shopping Malls". His business was particularly brisk during the summer months, but his clients were, apparently, particularly insane.

"I swear Harry here would have had less trouble with the locker room than this man."

Harry waved a hand in mild protest.

"No, really, you'd change in a men's locker room, wouldn't you?" John added, eyeing his companion speculatively.

The story finished with the meal, with John giving up and walking out of his own business before he even got through the lunch hour. "I went home," he insisted to the hilarity of the others. "I'd've needed drugs if I'd stayed."

"I can prescribe you something," Harry offered. "Might have voice loss as a side effect, though."

"I wonder why?" Joshua asked dryly and he snickered at both of the men watching him warily.

Rose served tea and dessert and watched Joshua as his blue eyes sparkled mischief and mirth. Rose knew then that he was up to something. He waited, watching his friends carefully, until exactly the right moment before he announced, brightly, "I'm goin' to work as a teacher."

Harry very nearly did an actual spit take, while John went satisfyingly pale. "Why?" Benton asked after Harry stopped coughing.

Joshua's teasing grin disappeared, replaced by a serious, intent expression. "Too many clever kids're slipping through these schools and no one's even tryin' to do anything about it," Joshua told them emphatically. "They need someone who won't assume they're destined for a life of menial labor or crime just because they're from the Estate."

After a thoughtful silence, Harry was the first to congratulate Joshua with John very hard on his heels. "What're you planning to teach exactly?" John wondered aloud. Harry nodded around a forkful of his dessert, a little blush at his cheeks, probably because he'd managed to miss an important question.

"Figure I'll put that PhD in Literature to use. Teach them the greats, old and new. If they can learn to appreciate books, and learn to read them, really read them the right way, they can learn to do anything. Books can teach practically everything." He shrugged. "Can serve as an example, too, I s'pose. Prove to 'em that class'll not be any kind of limit. Sound dead common, me, with this accent."

After this, the conversation drifted around to which pieces he would teach, lesson plans, and secondary schools in general. "What about your book?" Harry asked when he'd finished his dessert. "Think you'll ever finish it?"

"What do you think tests are for? They're busy, so I've got time."

Rose laughed next to him. "If it were anyone else, I'd say I don't think it works like that, but I don't doubt that's exactly what he'll do."

"You do realize," John said with a serious frown and merrily twinkling eyes, "that you haven't got the job yet." Looking quite serious, as if he were explaining some sort of fundamental rule of the universe, he explained, "You will have to go on at least one interview. You will have someone who will never be half as clever as you and who probably doesn't deserve your respect, but is the head teacher, deciding whether or not you get the job."

"Whatever you do, don't call him a stupid ape," Rose added with a smirk. Joshua opened his mouth, but Rose preempted him. "No. Not even if he deserves it."

"You might even need to call him 'sir'," Harry said with as close as he got to a malicious smirk.

"They'll expect you to wear a tie," John dead-panned, adjusting an imaginary tie - and then pretending to hang himself with it.

"Even if your CV's impeccable," Harry added, "which I'm sure the Brigadier will see to that, you'll still have to play local politics. That usually means being absolutely delighted with your future supervisor."

"D'you even know how to suck up?" John asked.

"Done it before, I think," Joshua mused, sounding vaguely uncertain. "Or maybe that was someone sucking up to me, can't remember." He shrugged. "Wouldn't the man rather hear what I think or what I know?"

"You know everything," John said with an airy wave of the hand. "And all he'll really want to know what you think about is how delighted you think you are to be there."

"You'll definitely need to tell him what a fine job he's been doing with the school so far," Rose agreed. Joshua's small pout caused Rose to take pity on him. She held his hand in both of hers. "Don't worry, once you get the job you can come up with a terrible nickname for him and teach it to all the kids. They'll love you for it."

Joshua linked his fingers with hers and smiled down at her. For the first time since he'd run, it was the small, sweet smile that stole her breath and heart in an instant. She squeezed his hand happily and let the warmth wash over her. She must be getting close to that door.

* * *

Rose shivered lightly at the feel of Joshua's fingers grazing the hairs on the nape of her neck. Not ignoring it, but determinedly putting off thinking about it, she smiled down and waved as Harry got in his car.

Once they were finally alone, she closed the door and turned to face her lover. Only, he hadn't been that over the last few days. He'd been trying hard, she could see, to seem natural, even jovial around her. In some ways everything was the same, but since he'd had that nightmare, he'd been reluctant to touch her.

What haunted her was that Rose was fairly sure he was being reluctant out of fear rather than distaste, but couldn't fathom his reasons. She didn't know why he'd be afraid of her now, but at times he seemed it. It was all too easy for her to imagine that something in that dream had made him realize that he was dating a girl who would never be able to live up to what he deserved. She hated the very idea, really. It made her feel petty and small, but then Joshua had put this wall up between them and now she just didn't know what was sure and what was uncertain.

More than anything, Rose wanted to reach up and trace the gentle smile that had hidden from her for the past week that now softened Joshua's face. She didn't know what had brought it back, and she didn't care. She had missed it too much to wonder at the moment why it returned.

But, instead of letting her fingers map the lines of his face that were softened by this singular expression, Rose just smiled up at him. She didn't know why he had shut her out. She didn't know why he was holding her at arm's length. She didn't know why he was giving her this look, now. But he had hurt her, and he would explain himself. As much as she wanted to just melt into his arms and take whatever he was willing to give, Rose knew she had to stand her ground now, or have no ground later.

"I miss you," she told him. It was time for this to end. When he just stood there looking confused, for too long, Rose continued. "I miss the you who tries to distract me from what I'm doing to tickle me, or kiss me, or teach me something random and wonderful. I miss the you who snags my arm when I walk past just to hold me for a moment." Giving into her own need, Rose finally let her finger trace his lips. "I miss the you who gives me this smile and doesn't shut me out."

"I don't..." Joshua started and then snapped his mouth shut. Rose waited while he tried to arrange his thoughts, failed miserably, and then tried to remember how to talk. "I left you," he told her, nearly wailing. He seemed to believe this explained everything. "I ran."

"I know," Rose told him, waiting for him to decide to make sense.

"You din't yell. You din't throw things at me. You forgave me. You should've left, then. You should've run back home and left me alone. Gone back to your normal life."

"Sod that!" Rose declared.

"Don't you get it?" Joshua's expression was intent, as determined and stubborn as Rose had ever seen him look. "You should find your handsome prince. You shouldn't be stuck with a broken old man who leaves you behind."

"Then don't leave me," Rose insisted urgently. "Keep me with you." She shook her head, clutched his arm while he refused to meet her eyes, while she couldn't really meet his, either. Softly, intently, she insisted, "You're more noble than any twelve princes, but you refuse to see it. I'm allowed to forgive you. That's my choice. But you don't get to lock me out 'cuz I do, 'cuz I didn't make you swim the English Channel to prove you still love me or some such." She was getting a little angry, now, and very frustrated, and it was clear in her voice as it became angry and insistent in her own ears. "You wanna apologize, go ahead, but don't you ever try to freeze me out because you feel guilty."

Rose stepped in, as close as she could get to him with the closed way he was standing, and cupped his cheek. "Joshua, you've made mistakes before. I've forgiven you before. Why now?"

"I never abandoned you before," Joshua muttered, eyes downcast.

"You didn't abandon me, this time, either," Rose insisted. "You came back. You didn't have to do that."

Joshua's eyes snapped up to lock with hers, filled with a hungry intensity. "Yes. I did." And then he swooped down to devour her mouth with desperation, with remorse, and with a driving need for her to always be his.


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: We own Doctor Who. However, in this Universe, April Fools' Day is traditionally celebrated by giving presents to and doing nice things for fools. We're afraid we'll get hurt in a McDonald's coffee accident. OV has been heard to voice some distress about the instructions on toothpick containers, but that's only because Jessa sometimes stops in her rants about peanut warnings on Snickers labels. We think we'll just shove along before they toss us out, this time.**

* * *

**Chapter 5:**

Rose shivered lightly at the feel of Joshua's fingers grazing the hairs on the nape of her neck. Forcing herself to ignore the shiver, she smiled down and waved as Harry got in his car. Only when she closed the door behind them, did she turn to face her lover.

Only, Joshua hadn't been that over the last few days. He'd been trying hard, Rose could see, to seem natural, even jovial around her. In some ways everything was the same, but since he'd had that nightmare, he'd been reluctant to touch her.

What haunted her was that Rose was fairly sure he was being reluctant out of fear rather than distaste, but she couldn't fathom his reasons. It was all too easy for her to imagine that something in that dream had made him realize he was dating a girl who would never be able to live up to what he deserved. The little shop girl in her head was convinced, but Rose Tyler wasn't. Joshua thought better of her, and she thought better of herself. She was here, now, because of _who_ she was, not her pretty face and her warm body. No matter what fear and what her books called "self-esteem issues" tried to tell her. She didn't know why he'd be afraid of her now, but at times he seemed it. Certainly it wasn't that he was changing his mind or falling out of love.

More than anything, Rose wanted to reach up and trace the gentle smile that had hidden from her for the past week that now softened his face. She didn't know what had brought it back, and she didn't care. She had missed it too much to wonder at the moment why it returned.

But, instead of letting her fingers map the lines of his face that were softened by this singular expression, Rose just smiled up at him. She didn't know why he had shut her out. She didn't know why he was holding her at arm's length. She didn't know why he was giving her this look, now. But he had hurt her, and he would explain himself. As much as she wanted to just melt into his arms and take whatever he was willing to give, Rose knew she had to stand her ground now, or have no ground later.

"I miss you," she told him. It was time for this to end. When he just stood there, looking confused for long enough, Rose continued. "I miss the you that tries to distract me from what I'm doing to tickle me, or kiss me, or teach me something random and wonderful. I miss the you that snags my arm when I walk past just to hold me for a moment." Giving into her lingering impulse, Rose did let her finger trace his lips. "I miss the you that gives me this smile, that isn't afraid of me, that doesn't shut me out."

"I don't-" Joshua started and then snapped his mouth shut. Rose waited while he tried to arrange his thoughts, failed miserably, and then tried to remember how to talk. "I left you," he told her, nearly wailing. He seemed to believe this explained everything. "I ran."

"I know," Rose told him, waiting for him to decide to make sense.

"You din't yell. You din't throw things at me. You forgave me. You shoulda left, then. You shoulda run back home and left me alone. Gone back to your normal life."

"Sod that," Rose declared.

"Don't you get it? You should find your handsome prince. You shouldn't be stuck with a broken old man who leaves you behind."

"Then don't leave me. Keep me with you. You're more noble than any twelve princes, but refuse to see it. I'm allowed to forgive you. That's my choice. But you don't get to lock me out because I do. Because I didn't make you swim the English Chanel to prove you still love me or some such. If you want to apologize, by all means, but don't you ever try to freeze me out because you feel guilty." Rose stepped in towards him and cupped his cheek. "Joshua, you've made mistakes before. I've forgiven you before. Why now?"

"I never abandoned you before," Joshua muttered, eyes downcast.

"You didn't abandon me, this time, either," Rose maintained, "you came back. You didn't have to do that."

Joshua's eyes snapped up to lock with hers, filled with a hungry intensity. "Yes. I did." And then he swooped down to devour her mouth with a kiss that spoke of desperation, remorse, and a driving need for her to always be his.

Rose gave herself over to the onslaught. He was giving her everything she needed, and she let him take everything he wanted. When he pulled back to look into her face, that loving smile was still in place, but now his eyes were dark and heavy lidded.

"Don't leave me," he pleaded, "I'm stupid, and I don't deserve you, but I know that I need you."

Rose smiled sadly up at him. "I think that's my line," she told him.

"No," Joshua insisted, "you are caring and compassionate and so much cleverer than almost anyone gives you credit for. You should have heads of state listening to you. You would if there were any justice in the world. I have never met a better being, human or otherwise, and I am the biggest idiot this planet has ever seen for letting fear make me risk losing you."

Rose couldn't deny the warmth that his words spread through her. It did wonders for the "self-esteem issues". He believed in her; she could do anything if only he believed.

"I love you, Rose Tyler," Joshua continued, "please. Don't ever leave me."

Rose couldn't help but laugh a bit at that. "As if I could," she told him. "I love you, Joshua. And I need you, too."

She didn't remember how she got from being just inside the door, to being in their bedroom, but by the time she'd gotten there, she'd lost her blouse, her bra had been pushed down out of the way, and Joshua was pressing her against the doorjamb, his lips fastened on a surprisingly sensitive spot right between her breasts.

Gods, but she'd needed this. The way Joshua worshipped her body wiped Rose's mind clean of self-doubt and left only a need for and love of this man that she suspected could transcend anything the universe might throw at them.

Pushing him back, Rose smirked at his pout. When she unfastened her bra, Joshua's pout quickly transformed into a wolfish grin. Carelessly discarding the garment, Rose reached for his jumper. Joshua allowed her to push it over his head and pull it off his arms.

With one hand splayed over the center of his chest so that she could feel the racing double heart beat, Rose pushed Joshua back until he hit the bed. A jerk of her chin directed him to lie down. Rose had taken a punishment she didn't deserve and now she would take what she was owed, and she would take it as she saw fit.

Joshua was looking up at her with eyes indigo with lust, bright with anticipation. Rose smiled a predatory little smile down at him as she straddled his hips. For a moment, Rose paused, rocking back and forth against where he strained against his jeans. Holding his gaze, Rose slowly ground against him with increasing pressure until Joshua's eyes slipped closed, and her name was whispered as softly as though it were a sacred word.

She let her hands begin to ramble and tease over the hard planes of his stomach and chest. She pinched his nipples and smirked at the hiss of appreciation that escaped through his clenched teeth; his hips bucked beneath her. As Joshua's eyes fluttered open, Rose bent over him, soothing the puckered buds with leisurely, wet caresses of her tongue.

"Rose," Joshua moaned, enveloping her in his arms and crushing her to him. Rose managed to extricate herself and forced his arms to his side.

"Ah, ah, ah," Rose chided. "Can you behave yourself, Joshua, or do I have to tie you up?" She watched his pupils dilate in arousal. "You're mine, Joshua, and I belong with you. No matter what." She sharply nipped a particularly sensitive spot where his neck joined his shoulder and then kissed it softly until he moaned. "Do you understand?"

It took a moment for Joshua's glazed eyes to focus. He raised a gentle hand and brushed his knuckles against her check. Eyes over bright, he nodded. "My Rose. My fantastic Rose."

That gentle, loving smile was back on his face, her smile. She rewarded him with a kiss. It began with aching softness and melted into hunger. Moving down, Rose scattered kisses over him, spending a moment at his navel, eliciting a tortured moan before following the trail of hair lower.

Rose's progress was soon blocked by his trousers. Her fingers were quick at his buckle. She pulled the belt out and threw it over her shoulder to attack the buttons of his jeans. Joshua was reduced to panting when his cock sprang free.

Watching his face, Rose let her fingers trace the head. She was nearly bowled over by the trust he put in her by giving her this power over him. Joshua held himself back because she wished it, letting her explore him as she wanted.

What Rose hadn't expected was how exciting it would be to have this authority over her lover. She'd heard of power being an aphrodisiac and she already knew that almost every thing about this man turned her on. She still hadn't expected to become so impatient from the sound of his moans, the touch and taste of his skin, and the sight of his penis, rigid from her attentions, and his darkened, burning eyes. Already, her knickers were drenched and he'd barely touched her.

"Joshua," Rose whispered, her lips so close to his cock that it twitched at the feel of her breath dancing over it. "I want you naked." His eyes flew open, and she nodded, sitting back. Before she could enjoy the show, Joshua stood naked before her.

Slowly, Rose got to her feet. Under a scrutiny that left her breathless, she toed off her trainers. Her socks were gone next. Rose could feel impatient desire rolling off of Joshua. With a small smile, she allowed her hands to fall to her jeans. She noticed his hands twitch and knew he wanted to help her out of them, but she continued unaided.

Knowing he was watching, Rose toyed with one of her breasts, raising the nipple. With her free hand, Rose popped open the button of her jeans and drew down the zip, letting Joshua get a glimpse of the white cotton beneath. For a moment, Rose wished she were wearing something a bit sexier, but the hunger in Joshua's eyes dispelled any doubts.

Abandoning her breast, Rose pushed her jeans over her hips leaving her in her knickers. "Do you want them off?" she asked coyly, playing with her waistband. Joshua swallowed thickly and nodded. "Then take them off," she ordered.

In a flash, Rose was in Joshua's arms. His hands slid under her knickers to cup her bum, pressing her against his erection. After a quick grind, Joshua dropped to his knees, and peeled her sodden knickers off her. His nostrils flared as the scent of her arousal hit him full force.

"Rose," Joshua begged, his voice darker than any sin. "I want to make love to you. Please."

Every plan Rose had entertained fled. She nodded.

Rose's knickers pooled on the floor as Joshua swept her up. Almost automatically, Rose wrapped her legs around his waist. His cock parted her wet folds, rubbing against her clit. Closing her eyes, Rose rubbed against him wantonly, giving herself over to the sparkling tension that was building.

With tender reverence, Joshua laid Rose on their bed. He sat back to admire his lover as she lay flushed and panting. His thumbs traced circular designs onto her legs that seemed to brand her flesh.

Reaching for Joshua, Rose made a noise of frustration. "Joshua, please." He grinned down at her before crawling up her body, scattering kisses. When his lips finally met hers, Rose attacked him in a frenzy of need and arousal, love and forgiveness.

With one hand, Joshua lifted Rose's hips just enough to allow him to slide into her in one deep thrust. It felt like time stopped, or at least slowed to allow them this moment where nothing mattered but Joshua and Rose.

They moved together towards a much needed escape from the universe. It was too much, and yet Rose needed more.

"Joshua," she whimpered, "please le me come." Pride gleamed in his eye, and he snaked his hand between them. Rose couldn't stop the scream that escaped her when Joshua pinched her clit. With a shout of triumph, Joshua erupted inside her.

Wrapping Rose in his embrace, Joshua rolled onto his back so that she was sprawled half on top of him. For the first time in almost a week, Rose felt completely safe, completely at ease. As she slipped into sleep, Rose felt his lips press against the crown of her head in a tender kiss.

"Never forget I love you, Rose Tyler."

Rose smiled sleepily. "You too. Never."

* * *

"So, I had a question," Joshua started, sounding a bit nervous in Rose's opinion. "Well, it's more a favor, really, but…"

He was carrying a tray with breakfast on it. Genuine breakfast in bed, like she hadn't had since she was a very, very little kid, and he was bringing it into their bedroom before Rose was even good and awake. She grinned. Probably wouldn't matter what it was he wanted, she decided, he could probably have it. She wasn't sure her muscles were up to swimming the English Channel, but… "What is it?" she asked, as he slid the tray onto the nightstand.

"Nothin' much, just eggs and toast, bit o' jam, and some bacon, cooked like you like it, not too crunchy, not too soft, an'…"

Rose felt something inside her heart start to bubble and fizz. He was just… so… Joshua. She wanted to hug herself to hold the feeling inside while it tried to boil over. It was strong enough to take on the world, she was sure. "I mean the favor," she said, not at all surprised to hear laughter in her voice.

"Oh," Joshua said, sheepishly. "Well, its…" He nervously toyed with a plate on the tray, looking everywhere but right at her.

"I love you," Rose said. "I just really, really love you."

Joshua looked up at her and grinned, a full beaming grin full of his usual confidence and joy, as if hearing her say that made him all better. "D'ya mind if I intrude on your shopping trip today? I know you an' Jackie usually go by yourselves, but… Well, I need to pick up a couple things, and I need your help with one of 'em, so I thought…"

"What's up?"

"Aunt Doris's birthday present," Joshua mumbled over the teacup he was passing.

Rose's jaw dropped and she felt a blush cover her face. "Oh, god, I forgot! And we're supposed to be there tonight for dinner, aren't we? Damn!" She shoved the blankets out of her lap and started to make a mental inventory of everything that needed to be done today. "What time is it?"

"I love you, too," Joshua said with a chuckle. "You've got mascara on your nose, and I love you."

* * *

Breakfast wound up getting cold. Joshua took Jackie Tyler's phone call to find out if the shopping trip was still on, because Rose was in the shower. He'd been willing to join her – just to help her wash her back, honest – but she'd chased him in alone while she reheated their breakfast plates.

"Makin' a grocery list," Joshua informed Jackie when she demanded to know what he was doing answering the phone in his own flat. He sometimes wondered what went through the woman's head. "That all right?"

"'Course it is, you mug," Jackie said. "Dunno what goes through your head sometimes! Add some biscuits to the list, won't you? Just to remind me, and I need some kippers and…"

"Make your own list," Joshua grumbled.

"You don't have to be so difficult!" Jackie complained. "Has she managed to put any weight on you, yet?"

"S'only been a few weeks, Jackie, an' she works for a living. I do the cooking."

Apparently, he'd shocked Rose's mum almost completely speechless, because she proceeded to sputter at him incoherently. "We'll pick you up in a half hour," Joshua said cheerfully while she flailed about for something to say. "Bye, now."

He caught himself waving as he hung up the phone. So did Rose, padding barefoot and barefaced into the kitchen, her hair still damp from her shower. His hearts felt like hot air balloons in his chest as she snickered and teased her way to the fridge.

He caught her around the waist and swooped her up just to listen to her squeal of happy protest. As he reluctantly set her in her chair, having decided he didn't have time to do half the things he ought to do to her, he wondered why he'd even bothered to distance himself from her. He couldn't go anywhere that she wasn't going to be the center of everything. It had happened so unexpectedly, but it had happened.

Somewhere between lonely nights in Rehab and quiet days alone with her here, sometime between "just breathe" and "I love you", he'd found a new home, right here, with her in both his hearts and him in her one. Rose Tyler was Joshua Stewart's new world.


End file.
